Who Am I?

Who Am I?

Who am I? they often tell me
I stepped from my cell's confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, neighborliness,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person to-day and to-morrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of
mine.
Who I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer-

Every time I read this poem it reminds me of the sin I have to deflect everyday in order to be a light for the Lord. Sometimes I wonder the same things about myself that Bonhoeffer wrote of in this poem. Secretly I yearn for praise and even tire of praying. I am distracted by sin while worshiping God. I often do things for my own glorification, and my motives are often impure. I am a sinner and I face a dire need for repentance on a day-to-day basis; not just confession, I actually have to turn from my sin everyday and allow the Lord to replace it. Praise Jesus that amidst our sin we have the grace to be HIS and to live with HIS love and mercy. Praise him that I no longer live in bondage of this sin but that I am free to live a life in obedience to Christ.